Doctor Who: The Doctor's Wife: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with a shot of the House planet and some eerie looking people. It then cuts to the Doctor cruising in his Tardis.

Doctor

Look I got a message all the way out here from a Time lord. Must have taken a while to get to me.

Rory

Time Lords don’t have intergalactic instant messaging?

Doctor

No things are definitely best said with a letter.

They land on the House planet where the Tardis Matrix is stolen. To keep the Doctor guessing he doesn’t land next to any recognisable parts of other Tardis ships even though that’s what his ship should be attracted to.

Tardis Lady

You’re going to steal me, are stealing me? Tenses are so confusing.

Rory

Especially in French. Have you ever tried learning French?

Uncle and Auntie

Hello we are everyone’s worse weird and creepy uncle and aunt.

Doctor

You remind me of a cook I once knew who wanted to cook humans. But enough pleasantries this Ood is speaking out Time Lord signals. I really like Time Lords.

Audience

Really?

Doctor

Yeah there were some nice ones.

Amy

You want to be forgiven?

Doctor

What kind of a question is that? Of course I do. Wouldn’t you?

Amy

Sorry can I help?

Doctor

You can both go and get my sonic screwdriver from the Tardis. Even though you know I always carry it with me.

House

Poke around as much as you want but I don’t have bigger on the inside technology so don’t expect to find a lot of Time Lords in that cupboard.

Doctor

There are no Time Lords in here.

House

Haha cya.

Rory

But you said you were a friendly planet?

House

Everybody lies.

Tardis Lady

I am Tardis. Such a nice name don’t you think. A bit more imaginative than sexy.

Doctor

Hey! But wait you can’t be the Tardis it would burn you up. Unless a handsome Doctor sucked the energy out of you… actually it stayed in Rose for a while with no harm done to her… Nice to meet you my beautiful Tardis.

Tardis Lady

Yes and you. Even though I’ve always been with you and can apparently observe you. Have you realised it was me who stole you originally.

Doctor

Really? You must have been bored with all that time spent in 1963 junk yard? Speaking of junk yards there are a load of half eaten Tardis Ships which we can use to catch up with Amy and Rory.

Tardis Lady

House only ate half of a Tardis? For something he considers a delicacy he sure is wasteful.

Meanwhile Amy and Rory try to convince House not to kill them.

Rory

You could have more fun by tormenting us.

Amy

Oh way to go stupid face couldn’t you have offered him some kind of long riddle?

House

Have you got any medical riddles?

Amy

No.

House

Then run!

Audience

Yes at last this series is going to show us more of the massive Tardis.

Back on the planet.

Doctor

We’ve just built a Tardis in less time than it takes most people to replace a flat tyre. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Tardis Lady

Of course, I would never let you come to harm.

Doctor

Really? Do you remember the incident with the fast return switch in the brink of destruction?

Tardis Lady

You mean the Edge of Destruction.

Doctor

Don’t side step the question.

Meanwhile Amy and Rory are running through lots of corridors that all look the same.

Audience

Oh we were hoping to see more.

Rory

Amy wait. No!

Amy

Rory it’s ok I like older men.

Rory

You left me we really should hold hands if we’re going to get separated so easily. It will also help us tell illusion from reality. This is way too scary to face alone.

Tardis Lady

Go to oneof my old control rooms.

Audience

Cool. Are we going to see the Tom Baker style Tardis. Or even better a recreation of the very first Tardis set?

They enter the Tardis set used for the 9^th and 10^th Doctor.

Audience

Oh come on!

Doctor

You don’t have the power to breakthrough to our universe but I’ll help. Trust me I’m the Doctor.

House

I’m a Doctor too. I’ll trust you even enough to use your own hinted way of death.

Tardis Lady

Ha-ha I can’t believe you fell for that. Be gone!

House

Please I’m just grumpy and misunderstood. Noooo!

Doctor

I’ll miss you my Tardis.

Tardis Lady

But I’m always with you. Then again a talking Tardis might not be the best idea it could get silly. Can you promise me that you’ll use the Tardis more in the story rather than leaving me parked in some remote spot.

Doctor

I’ll try but I need the challenge of facing things with just my charm, wit, intelligence,  resourcefulness… oh and my sonic screw driver.

Fin

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who: Day Of The Moon: First Draft Parody Script

Opens with our travellers being chased  by Canton.

Rory

A three month gap? That’s never good. In Star Trek they were always losing during the three month gaps.

Amy

Why are you doing this?

Canton

To take advantage of location shooting. We should use it when we have it.

*****

Doctor

Canton you're building the perfect prison… well besides the Pandorica. It’s a good job you managed to sneak my invisible Tardis in here.

Canton

Yeah for all of the Tardis security features it sure is easy to move. 

Doctor

Well I can’t have it getting me out of trouble all the time. It needs to be stolen occasionally.

*****

Rory

They’re everywhere. Everywhere! It’s an occupation!

Doctor

Which is why we’ll split up to record vocal information. They’ll never catch on to it and vaporise us one by one.

Rory

How quaint. What about a portable projector to keep their image on the Tardis wall so we’d remember what we have learnt? Or we could keep pictures of them in our wallets, on our watch…

Doctor

Don’t start that again.

Canton and Amy go to an orphanage where the manager has forgotten it’s been closed for two years… So have the lawyers, estate agents, child agencies, his family, friends and utility suppliers. The Silence sure are thorough.

Amy

Wandering around alone in the dark sure is fun when you’re looking for dangerous aliens. Whait my recorders flashing, I’ll go out the window. Ahh! That’s a scary image. Shouldn’t we be worried about the kids?

Writer Steven Moffat

No its ok this is culture.

Amy

Culture?

Writer Steven Moffat

Yeah we’re exporting British culture to America remember?

The impossible girl astronaut appears.

The impossible girl astronaut

Help!

Amy

Sorry to shoot at you before. Luckily I’m a lousy shot.

The impossible girl astronaut appears

I hope that’s not genetic.

The Doctor and Rory arrive.

Rory

Where’s Amy?

Canton

Sorry I was failing to get information out of the manager when it happened.

Silence

We are the silence. Silence will fall.

Rory

Great. We don’t need to worry then.

Silence

No I didn’t mean… never mind you’ll forget what I say anyway.

Doctor

So humans decided to go to the moon because the Silence wanted a spacesuit?

Rory

That doesn’t make any sense the Russians proved they had working space suits first.

Doctor

Yes but it would have been harder to film and market to Russia.

*****

Canton

Say something incriminating to this camera I’m clearly holding.

Silence

We’re called the Silence we don’t just talk for the sake of it.

Canton

Amuse me.

Silence

Oh ok. Kill us on sight. Do not hesitate, show no mercy then dispose of our bodies so that you don’t remember us again.

Canton

Wow that was a lot better than I expected.

The Doctors lands inside the Tardis of the Silence.

Doctor

Want to watch the moon landing on television? You should, you helped it happen which does devalue the achievement somewhat.

Silence

It is worse than that. We have been influencing humans since they made fire.

Doctor

What? Then why haven’t I met you before?

Silence

We’re quite.

Doctor

Well not any more.

Video Recording of Silence

Kill us on sight.

Silence

That idiot!

River Song

You’re a big scary alien no ones shot you on sight before?

Silence

Amazingly not.

River Song

So you’re not prepared for me then.

River shoots them all while the Doctor distracts her with his screwdriver.

River Song

Yeah thanks for the help honey. Didn't I shoot efficiently considering I forget them the moment I take my eyes off them. Gosh I hope my old fella didn’t see me do that.

Rory

If I wasn’t so astonished I might read something into what you just said.

****

President Nixon

We’re safe now then?

Doctor

Kind of. I’d keep recording conversations though.

Amy

So I guess we’re now going to look for the girl in the spacesuit?

Writer Steven Moffat

Haha yeah right. I’ wil tease you with the girls regeneration though.

Doctor

Well I really think I need a holiday. How about a cruise?

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Image property of the bbc 

Doctor Who: The Impossible Astronaut: First Draft Parody Script

A great start to the new series. Here's a parody review.

Opens with a the Doctor having lots of fun as he goofs around through history

Rory

The Doctor sure seems to be enjoying himself without us. Why did he leave us here again?

Amy

So that we can have fun alone as a married couple… in this village that I find really dull.

Rory

Great isn’t it?

Amy

Hooray we got a Doctor like invitation. Lets get out of here.

*****

Doctor

Howdy Ponds I wear a Stetson now. Stetsons are cool.

Audience

Yes they are.

River Song

Well I disagree. *Bang*

Rory

That was ridiculously dangerous. Bad River!

River Song

Sorry Rory.

*****

Doctor

Let’s check our diaries.

Rory

How quaint we find smart phones work better.

River Song

We keep meeting each other in the wrong time order. Synchronisation would be a nightmare.

They go to lake Powell for a picnic.

Rory

Look! An Apollo astronaut is walking out of the lake. Impossible!

Amy

Compared to being erased from time, being turned into a robot and then seeing the universe rebooted?

Rory

Ok good point. Well it killed the Doctor that’s impossible.

River Song

Clearly but it will make for a good mystery for the run of this series.

*****

Doctor

Hello sorry to keep you waiting I was just in the restroom shower. What’s wrong with your faces you look like you’ve shared a bad dream.

Amy

I don’t understand.

River Song

Come on Amy this show is about time travel, work it out.

Amy

The new audience River. Think about the new audience.

Doctor

Right we’re landing in the Whitehouse in 1969 rather than parking somewhere discreet like I usually do. I’ll turn the Tardis invisible. Although it is a big drain on power.

River Song

Compared to travelling across millions of light years?

Doctor

Give me a break Star Trek has the same problem.

The Doctor exits into the Oval office and looks confused at being exactly where he planned to be.

President Nixon

How did you get in here? Canton get your gun out.

Canton

No. I’m too curious.

Doctor

Don’t arrest us. I can sort out those nuisance calls you’re getting.

President Nixon

You can put on call blocking?

Doctor

Well yes… but I think rescuing a girl and saving the world would be far more interesting. Now from these maps I can tell where she is.

Rory

How quaint we use google maps which is far mor…

Doctor

Quite you.

They travel with Canton to a creepy abandoned building.

Doctor

Look at all this cool retro space gear.

River Song

Come on Doctor we’re on a mission. Oh I can’t wait I’ll check out this dangerous underground space ship alone… Woah scary looking aliens I’ll have to turn around and tell the others… something.?

Rory

So you saw nothing?

River Song

Yep come on down. It’s time I got to know you better.

*****

Canton

Bigger on the inside I accept that. But Dr Who exactly?

Amy

That’s the first time the series title has been spoken in a way that feels natural. Shame we have to have all the other references though.

Girl

Help!

Amy

Doctor wait I need to tell you something really important.

Doctor

So important you didn’t tell me 5 minutes ago?

Amy

I’m pregnant.

Doctor

That could have waited.

Amy

Not for this dramatic ending.

Bang!

 

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Image property of the bbc

James Bond Tomorrow Never Dies: First Draft Parody Script

This is one of my Bond movies. It's inteligent in it's use of the Media as an enemy.

Opens with a terrorist arms market on top of a mountain.

Terrorist

Missiles, planes, guns. I wish one of us had thought to bring a snowboard.

Bond sees a plane  carrying nuclear missiles.

Russian General

I was wondering where I parked that.

General Git

If our missiles hit that...

M

Nothing will happen,  nuclear weapons need to be self detonated.

General Git

M this is a movie.

M

Fine. Oh no, oh no.

Bond escapes with the plane.

Director Roger Spottiswoode

See, see I'm deceiving you like the media does. As I'm showing you in this film... this overly sponsored, Hollywood film.

Audience

We think this film needed to go through a few more drafts.

The title sequence is long.... and as usual kills off any excitement built up by the opening.

M

British sailors killed by the Chinese. We suspect Eliot Carver.

Bond

Not surprising no one can put breaking news in a newspaper. You'd think he'd use his radio, or television stations.

M

I want you to go to his party and get information out of Elliot's wife.

Bond

Is she Russian, I can't imagine a mission that doesn't involve Russians.

M

Times change. At least the Chinese are communist.

Q

Here's your new BMW and this time you get to use the features. You can use this mobile phone from our new sponsors Erricson to control it.

The phone stays in shot for a few more seconds before Bond goes off to see Elliot.

Agent Lin

Hello I'm your Chinese counterpart. I'm more focused, a better fighter and can actually work undercover. Still as your a man you'll be saving me at the end of the film.

Eric

Hello I could be one of the most interesting Bond villains in years. Shame my acting is so over the top. Still I do get to spout some crazy lines, I'm like a walking newspaper.

Bond

Nice to meet you. Honestly a villain who isn't a physical threat is refreshing. Your stock goons on the other hand.

Bond gets beaten up by the stock goons, then he beats up the stock goons in return. This conveniently happens next to the power controls.

Stock Goons

Why do we always make the same mistakes?

Elliot

Go and get some information from Mr Bond.

Paris

I told you I don't know that banker.

Elliot

I know you're poor at figuring out secret identities but you don't fool me.

Paris goes and sleeps with Bond, because that's what you do when your being watched by a murderous husband.

Bond then goes and breaks into a lab meeting Agent Lin who is doing dangerous spy work in stylish high heels.

Bond

Makes sense. As does a 300 million pound satellite sitting here for me to push over.

He rushes back to save Paris., but she's been killed by the films best villain.

Assassin

I'm so good they couldn't write more than 5 minutes of me. I'd better shock myself with your super mobile phone.

Bond tries to escape in his sledge hammer proof BMW using his super mobile phone.

Bond

Wheeee!

Bond gets bored of this after a while and like a kid chucks the car off the building endangering many innocent lives. Only he finds this funny.

Bond

Wade even though your the most ridiculous agent I've ever met, I need your help to skydive to a sunken ship.

Wade

No problem skydiving from 5 miles up is always that accurate.

Bond sky-dives.

Bond

If only Terri Hatcher could see me now.

Bond goes down to the wreck and bumps into Agent Lin.

Agent Lin

What remarkable timing.

They are then captured by Elliot's goons.

Elliot

What remarkable timing. May as well explain my plan, be rude not to seeing as your here.

Bond

Very good of you.

Bond and Lin escape on a motorcycle which appears to be as invincible as a tank. The enemy has a helicopter but instead of  tracking them from up high it tries to shoot them from ground level. Bond predictably makes it crash.

Bond

That was stupid of them.

They track down the stealth ship, after Agent Lin shows off her Kung Fu on more nameless goons who seem to have forgotten their guns.

Agent Lin

How come neither of our countries have these stealth ships.

Bond

Well the media is powerful. Must be transmitting propaganda, everyone is ignoring it.

Agent Lin gets caught by the villain AGAIN!

Elliot

I feel like another monologue. Tomorrow never dies.

Bond

I’d say Tomorrow never lies.

Elliot

Yes that does sound better why didn’t we use that?

Bond shoots a goon whose trying to sneak up on him.

Bond

Sorry Elliot I tuned out for a moment.

Audience

Wow a Bond one liner which isn't cringe worthy but actually witty. That's worth a star rating  by itself.

Bond  blows up part of the ship with mines, very original. They escape after some more standard gun fights and the usual gruesome death of the villain.

Agent Lin

Shall we call the ships to pick us up.

Bond

No even though we're tired, cold and risk being lost at sea, lets get romantic on this smoking hulk.

This ridiculous conclusion loses the film one star rating.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

James Bond Goldenneye: First Draft Parody Script

Good movie better game

Opens with Bond bungee jumping down a dam.

Audience

Is that really the best way to get down a dam?

Director Martin Campbell

Look you're the ones who didn't like the last rougher more realistic Bond.

Audience

True we'll never like such a Bond again.

Bond walks around a research facility killing a load of Russians.

Russian soldier

Hey what do you think you're doing? The cold war is over.

Bond

We'll kind of explain that later.

006

007? But that's two 00 agents on one mission,?I thought we'd be more spread out there's only 9 of us.

Bond

This could get dangerous, stay sharp.

006

Oh no you didn't!  I'm never going to regret betraying you now.

Bond blows up the weapons facility and escapes by free falling into a plane.

Audience

Does Pierce Brosnan want to be the next super man as well?

The opening sequence rolls with the best sound track since Gold finger. Bond then has a car race with Onatop. Even though his car is 40 years older than hers they stay neck and neck. That is until Bond realises he hasn't kissed a girl yet in this movie.

Evaluator

This  isn't helping my evaluation of you Bond.

Bond

I'm being evaluated? But I've saved the world as we know it 16 times and I'm still in my 30's.

M

I'm trying to establish my authority here.

Bond

Whoa M your a woman, I have the deepest respect for women really. Now where can I find a  pretty Bond girl who won't try to kill me.

M

Well there's Natalia the one person I don't mind you de-cloathing, that cardigan makes her look older than me.  Oh and can you do something about the Goldeneye, it destroyed the special effect guys  models.

Bond

Nothing can ever replace models.

Q

And here's the new car model a BMW you'll be using it for a total of 2 minutes during the movie. Still I'll give you a full rundown of the features seeing as they're now a sponsor.

Bond meets 006 again in some kind of graveyard.

Bond

You again! Its like some reoccurring end of level boss.

006

This would make a good game I agree. Now to establish myself a bit more. I'm doing all this because my parents were betrayed by the British.

Bond

I thought it was the French that you didn't like. Though it's nice to have adifferent motivation and not just money. Still I've got sixteen shillings here if it would help you change your mind? Sorry about the scar by the way William Dodd was a dangerous character.

006

I care not for your sympathies. Now die!.

He doesn't in typical Bond fashion.They are taking for interrogation, Bond escapes as General Orumov foolishly leaves himself disarmed. We see that Russian soldiers are as good at aiming as stormtroopers.

Director Martin Campbell

We have nothing against the Russians honestly.

Bond chases after Talia in a tank. For once he has a reason for being invincible. Apparently Russians are poor drivers as well as most cars drive right into him.

Bond

How did such an exciting chase turn into such a boring level on the Nintendo game.

006

Bond escaped?

General Orumov

Of course he escaped you left him right next to the eject button in loose bindings. Look now he wants to play chicken with the train.

006

Ram him! After all what could possibly go wrong?

Talia spikes Boris and tracks him by finding out 10 country's he's not in rather than the one he is.

Bond

Yep that really narrows it down.

They fly to  a large satellite dish which has to be hidden under a lake. Because there is no possible way the Goldeneye can be controlled by anything less than satellite dish which is a mile in diameter. He gets caught again.

Boris

We're going to use the Goldeneye to erase records in London.

Bond

Your doing all this to commit fraud. Don't you think they have backup.

Bond escapes AGAIN!

006

How is he escaping so many impossible situations. Who's writing this Bernard Cornwell?

006 chases Bond round the dish.

006

Why did we make this thing so big? I need to do the quick march.

They fight at last and Bond stops 006 from falling to his death.

006

For King George James?

Bond

No Sharpe for me.

006

I'm not  ahhhhh.

006 falls to his death, the dish blows up, Bond saves the day and the cavalry show up far too late to help.

Pierce Brosnan

Now I know how Sharpe felt.

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

James Bond On Her Majesty's Secret Service: First Draft Parody Script

I watched this again after a snowboard holiday to Lauterbrunan where a lot of it was set. I think Lazenby made a different but good Bond and that it's a good movie. I always like a good ski chase.

Opens with a pointless scene of Q describing some tech. But everyone likes Q so it’s ok anyway.

James Bond

I’m George Lazenby every bit as good as Sean Connery please like me.

Audience

Boo.

James Bond

Come on give me a chance.

Audience

A small chance maybe. But we will scrutinise every breath you take.

James Bond

I might as well kill myself in the sea like that pretty girl… Wait a pretty girl? Things are looking up.

Bond rescues Tracy who has passed out after a minute of paddling. Tracy runs as Bond is attacked by two inept henchmen.

James Bond

Would it help now if I broke the fourth wall and referenced my predecessor?

Audience

No that’s the worst thing you could do.

James Bond

Oops too late.

Tracy

Bond James Bond we meet again.

James Bond

It’s just James Bond. You don’t have to say Bond at the beginning.

Tracy

But you always say…

James Bond

I know what I say; it is a difficult habit to break.

Tracy

Ok… Shall we start falling in love then?

Henchman

Seeing as my boss wants to encourage this romance I’d better interrupt them.

Bond fights the henchman destroying a lot of furniture in the process.

James Bond

I will not kill you or even question your intent. I’m sure leaving loose ends won’t cause me any trouble in the future.

Henchman & Friends

Come with us.

James Bond

Drat.

Draco

I got my men to kidnap you to show how cool and dangerous I am.

James Bond

But I could have killed them. If you want to be a cool Bond character try shaving your moustache.

Draco

I like you and even though you’ll be a danger to her I want you to marry Tracy. I’ll even give you a million dollars for it. Casting an unnecessary shadow over your motivations for the rest of the movie.

James Bond

Great our love story is going to be hard enough to establish as it is.

M

I’m taking you off the Blofeld case.

James Bond

But I’m the only one who’s ever managed to get close to him.

Money Penny

I’m sure you could find him in just two weeks if you put your mind to it.

James Bond

I could find him in just a day if I wanted to.

Money Penny

Suuure.

Louis Armstrong’s “We have all the time in the world” continues to play in scene after scene as the audience glare at their watches.

Money Penny

Bond you’re not Hugh Grant stop romancing and let me drive you to your objective.

Bond finds his elusive nemesis after looking up his name in some archives. He finally heads to the alps. Skiers in the audience cheer up immensely.

Blofeld

What the? Why are you wearing a kilt?

James Bond

I’m Scottish can’t you not tell from my splendid accent?

Blofeld

But your 2780 metres above sea level it is the dumbest place to wear a kilt. Go and get changed.

James Bond

Jolly good.

James Bond

As I’m in love with Tracy I’m going to sleep with one of these Angels of Death of death. Ooh hypnotic mood lighting.

Having such an exciting setting Bond decides to go curling. The one winter sport no one ever wants to see.

Blofeld

Now that I’ve seen through your feeble disguise let me describe my ingenious plan.

James Bond

That is awfully nice of you but not the wisest move. Are you really so insecure that you need to impress me with your plans.

Blofeld

How dare you insult my wisdom? Now let me lock you in this room which you will easily escape from.

Finally there is a ski chase, but Bond manages to lose one of his skis.

James Bond

Now I wish I was on a snowboard.

Henchman skiers

Did you hear that? Make sure his death is slow and painful. Uh oh a cliff ahhh!

James Bond

Dummies.

Tracy and Bond go car curling on an ice rink.

Tracy

James how do we get out?

James Bond

Try the exit?

Tracy

James you are clever.

James Bond

Could you save the adoring looks for when we’re not driving at high speed on ice?

They ski down from the resort… which is at the bottom of the mountain….

James Bond

We’re being chased again better put my goggles down.

Tracy

What are they bullet proof? Goggles are meant to be down all the time to protect from snow blindness.

James Bond

We’re just being filmed in the studio anyway. I hope technology improves in the future. What if I ever need to kite surf a wave onto an iceberg.

Tracy

It would probably look worse.

They get caught in a huge avalanche with tons of snow cascading down upon them Bond and Tracy are buried under just 5 cm.

Skiers in the audience

Why bother getting transceivers?

Director Peter R Hunt

Because this is Bond even if he was at the start of the avalanche he would have survived.

Blofeld

Seeing as Tracy survived Bond must have died.

Tracy

That doesn’t make sense.

Blofeld

Let’s go.

M

We have decided to solve this threat by doing nothing.

James Bond

It’s a good job I have a lot of holiday time built up. I feel like some more skiing.

M

OK have fun.

They attack the base and destroy a lot more furniture. Oh well we are in the land of IKEA.

Henchman

Ha-ha I have you now.

Tracy

Hmmm I really don’t like this wall decoration. I’ll knock it down with your head.

Henchman

Ow! You’re strong; they’ll probably just replace it anyway.

Draco

Come on we have to go.

Tracy

But what about James?

Draco

He’ll probably die in the explosion. I hope you’re over that depression.

Blofeld

Ha-ha and people thought I was mad putting a bobsleigh run in.

James Bond

Well I can drive anything. I can even shoot at the same time. Even if I did forget that during the car chase.

I think this series needs to branch off with its villains.

Blofeld

Quips really aren’t your thing are they? Argh!

James Bond

That must have killed him.

Audience

Shouldn’t you check? You have been chasing him for two years.

James Bond

But that would involve hiking back up.

James Bond

We’re married Mrs Bond. I’m so a happy a woman I love actually lives.

Blofeld

We can’t have that. *Bang*

James Bond

My wife is... This is the saddest Bond ending ever.

Audience

It gets worse for generations to come terrible skiers will attempt the Shilthorn run, thinking they are Bond and humming the theme song.

James Bond

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/

This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

Doctor Who The Edge Of Destruction: First Draft Parody Script

Part 1 The Edge Of Destruction

Opens with our plucky travellers sprawled about the Tardis after being knocked out. Ian at least had the sense to do it in a comfy chair.

Susan

My neck hurts.

Barbara

You probably fell awkwardly.

Susan

No there must be more meaning to it.

Barbara

If you say so. Now run and get us some water.

Susan

We’re not at school anymore, get it yourself. Who am I kidding in the 60s kids respected their elders. Although being a Time Lord am I older than them? Oh I’ll just get the water.

Ian

What’s going on is this a new story? I need to stretch my acting.

Barbara

You need to act strange.

Ian

I think I can manage that.

Susan

Not as well as me. Hath at thee!

Ian

Oh no she’s threatening me with a pair of sharp scissors. We’re going to get so many complaints for that.

*****

Ian

Do you know where we are Doctor?

Doctor

Where is not as important as why?

Ian

Maybe but it would be nice to know one or the other.

Barbara

Do you think something could have entered the ship?

Doctor

No what an absurd theory. We’re more likely to crash into the Titanic.

Ian

Well is it mechanical then, couldn’t you have had the ship serviced before you left?

Doctor

I don’t know. I just don’t know. Come on sexy tell me what is wrong with you.

Barbara and Ian

What did you just say?

Doctor

Err nothing…We must take a look outside the ship.

Barbara

Good idea I really need to get out of this creepy place.

Doctor

I’m afraid that’s not possible this is a bottle show we’ll just have to stick some pictures on the screen. Here are some of our holiday snaps and look a shot of space.

Ian

I’m surprisingly under whelmed.

Doctor

Well being confused I’ve now decided the threats inside the Tardis. It is you! You sabotaged the ship so I’d take you back to England.

Barbara

That’s ridiculous. That’s exactly what we want you to do but your still being ridiculous. Oh no the clocks melted and so are our watches… kind of.

Audience

We wish they’d actually said that some of us didn’t even notice.

Doctor

Hmm this is a mystery I think we need a tea break.

Part 2 The Brink Of Disaster

Doctor

He tried to attack me.

Barbara

He’s fainted isn’t it about time you had some heart. This happened when he went near the control panel.

Doctor

I still blame you even though I let Ian touch the controls with no real training. We must put them you off the ship even if we are in the middle of space.

Barbara

I’m not sure if that’s you acting crazy or not?

Doctor

You’re right I’ll change my ways. I must gain some audience approval. We must work together we are on the brink of destruction.

Barbara

You mean the brink of disaster?

Ian

Or the edge of destruction?

Doctor

Yes, yes the whole thing is confusing.

*****

Ian

Is the Tardis alive?

Doctor

Hmmm maybe the power is moving the column.

Susan

But then why is it risking our lives?

Doctor

It’s been giving us clues to help. Perhaps it can think like a machine.

Ian

It doesn’t think like a beautiful woman then?

Doctor

Well hopefully one day it will.

Barbara

The door keeps opening but nothings there. Where are we?

Doctor

It must be the beginning of a solar system if the energy of the Tardis is trying to escape. It seems my Tardis is very adventurous.  It’s a shame we can’t afford the visuals that would look really good.

Barbara

Has anyone asked the obvious question yet? What were you doing just before the accident happened?

Doctor

No, no one has asked that really obvious question. I hit the fast return switch and what do you know the springs broken.

Ian

Are you telling us we could all die whenever one switch has a fault?

Doctor

Oh it’s just one of those glitches I need to do some work to the Tardis.

Ian

Like making proper labels instead of marking things with felt tip pens?

Doctor

Exactly! So then now we’re all friends let us go to our next destination.

Barbara

It’s strange I never get the feeling we’re travelling anywhere.

Doctor

I’m sure that in future we’ll develop more advanced time travelling effects.

Barbara

Shaky cam?

Doctor

Shaky cam.

The doors open

Barbara

Well with all the time and money we saved on this episode the next one most be really special. I’m sure it will be another classic enjoyed for decades to come.

BBC archive department

Err yeah about that…





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