Friday 5 August 2011

Captain America: The First Avenger: First Draft Parody Script

Parody script review of Captain America



Opens with some men searching the artic and finding a crashed craft. For one horrible moment the audience thinks they’ve walked into the Transformers movie.

Scientist
Oh wonderful it’s Captain America’s shield. Now the audience will spend the entire movie disappointed that they wont be seeing the World War 2 setting again.

Cut to  Norway 1942

Red Skull
I’ve come for Odin’s Tesseract.

Guard
You’re in the wrong movie. Odin was back in May.

Red Skull
No blonde and super strong  hero with his signature weapon is going to stop me then?

Guard
Well…

Cut to New York City where a puny Steve Rogers regards standing up to someone who talks in the cinema as a heroic act.

Bucky Barnes
How many times must I save you?

Steve Rogers
I’ll always be there to save you if you need me.

Bucky Barnes
You’d better be.

*****

Henry Stark
Check out my  revolutionary car technology.

Audience
Hmm what’s it going to be. It’s 1942. Is the movie going to claim he came up with abs? Airbags maybe?

The car starts to hover. Then crashes.

Audience
Eh? They were experimenting with flying cars in the 40s?

Henry Stark
That worked really well, even though it was brief. Of course I can’t see it being developed fully even if it's given 69 years.

*****

Steve Rogers
I want to be a soldier not just some person working in a factory. Not that I want to devalue the hundreds of thousands of people who weren’t on the front line ofcourse.

Bucky Barnes
Of course.

Dr Abraham Erskine
I can give you the oppourtunity to be the soldier you’ve dreamt off all your life.

Steve Rogers
You’re German?

Dr Abraham Erskine
Of course, all the best scientists are German. Just wait until the space race. 

Cut to the secret research lab which is guarded by one little old lady. But she does have a massive gun.

Dr Abraham Erskine
Have I told you this is dangerous? No? Well too late.

Steve Rogers
Keep going I can handle the pain.

Colonel Chester Phillips
Are you sure you don’t need to get some more serum you’re almost out of it?

Dr Abraham Erskine
Actually that’s all the serum I have.

Colonel Chester Phillips
What? You do at least have notes on how to produce more right? You couldn’t have worked all this out in your head?

Dr Abraham Erskine
Relax. What are the chances of me getting killed and the secret being lost?

Dr Bruce Banner
You inconsiderate fool. Have you any idea what happens to me when I try to reproduce this affect?

Dr Abraham Erskine
Yes well a good scientist never experiments on himself.

Dr Erskine is shot by an assassin so well chosen Erskine’s able to recognise him.

Steve Rogers
I’ll catch him.

Colonel Chester Phillips
But you can’t even move properly and he’s got the last vial of serum.

Steve Rogers
Don’t worry I won’t let it…

Vial of syrum
*Smash*

Steve Rogers
Oops.

Colonel Chester Phillips
For that you can spend the rest of the war as a recruitment mascot.

We get a montage of Captain America on a recruitment drive. A nice nod to the comics original  purpose. He eventually gets sent to Italy and discovers Bucky Barnes is missing.

Captain America
I’m going to rescue him. Alone! Well besides actually getting there, I need your help for that.

Peggy Carter
Ok but at least tell me you have some kind of a plan?

He doesn’t. Captain America runs around Red Skulls compound unnoticed. Something that would be slightly more believable if he wasn’t carrying a useless shield bearing the American flag on his back.

Captain America
I’m rescuing you by opening the jail doors. I’ll leave the rest to you though, I have a friend to find.

Jacques Dernier
Quoi? Monsieur we will be slaughtered you haven’t even given us any guns.

James Falsworth
Oh come now old chap. We can escape without further help from this Yank. These are after all movie Nazis not realistic Nazis.

They escape against the odds, which we see briefly. Then we have to watch a far less satisfying confrontation between Captain America and Red Skull who decides to run away and destroy the facility for no good reason.

*****
Colonel Chester Phillips
I sure was a fool not to use a soldier we’ve spent years trying to create. We’ll get you equipped for more heroics. You’ll also get a promotion to a real Captain which is a standard movie reward for disobeying orders.

Henry Stark
Wow look how small and powerful this energy source is. Imagine what we could do with it. I could use it to build a flying suit with hand pulse weapons, groovy coulours, inteligent…

Captain America
Sounds like a nice pipe dream but I’ll be happy with this.

Henry Stark
You don’t want that it’s the best metal in the world and that’s all we’ve got…. And we used it to make a shield?

Captain America
Don’t worry  I wont lose it.

Henry Stark
Ok then if you promise.

Captain America picks a small multicultural group to fight with him.

James Falsworth
I’m British and I’m depicted as a competent soldier? Bravo writers. Winning the war was the effort of an alliance. Let’s go and destroy the Nazis. Wait who are you?

Hydra
We’re Red Skull’s break away group of soldiers.

James Falsworth
What? Are you telling me that even killing Nazis has become taboo?

Hydra
I’m not sure… hey when did jumping onto a train become safer than breaking the track?

Captain America and Bucky Barnes get attacked by some slightly more gadgetised Hydra soldiers. Bucky is blasted out of the train but manages to hold on.

Captain America
Don’t let go and give me your hand.

Bucky Barnes
I can’t do both! Why do people always assume that someone holding on for dear life is capable of releasing a hand and reaching out?

Captain America
Just try it.

Bucky Barnes
Ahhh!

Captain America
Wow that was a surprisingly long death shot.

*****

Colonel Chester Phillips
I need information on Red Skulls base.

Armin Zola
Why now? You’ve already shown yourselves to have icredible intelligence on us.

Colonel Chester Phillips
I need something to do. I may be overused in this movie but I want more.

*****

Captain America
I can’t get drunk.

Peggy Carter
We thought it might be one of the side affects with your fast metabolism and super healing powers.

Captain
One of the side affects? What else didn’t you tell me? And why can’t I get drunk? Wolverine can.

Peggy Carter
We need you as an upright American citizen. You can take revenge instead I think that’s more patriotic.

Captain America
I don’t seek revenge, I seek justice.

Peggy Carter
Well that can work too in this time period. In the future you might find things a little more complicated.

Cut to the out skirts of Red Skulls base.

Captain America
I’m riding a motorcycle which shows that I’m cool despite my outfit.

Red Skull
Not as cool as my soldiers and weapons.

Captain America
Yes I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s the idea with them? Is that tank really even practical, it makes such a big target for an air assault, it can't move very fast. As for the soldiers did you mistake Star Wars Storm Troopers for Nazi Storm Troopers.

Red Skull
I’m evil no logic is needed, I just try to go for style. Now I’m going to shoot you… slooowly….

Dum Dum Dugan
Don’t worry we’ve arrived to rescue you. We sure got in a lot easier than you did, it’s amazing what you can do with a zip wire.

Captain America
Thank you my band of brothers. I want to stick with you but it’s my duty as the title character to have a confrontation with the villain alone.

Colonel Chester Phillips
Need a ride.

Captain America
Yes I need to get onto that massive plane. Unless our attack on this base has air support?

Colonel Chester Phillips
I’m afraid not. Now go. Go!

Peggy Carter
Just one quick kiss I can’t be the movies romantic interest without at least one kiss.

Colonel Chester Phillips
Ahhh! Phew that was close. That one kiss with Captain America almost got us killed. What were you thinking?

Peggy Carter
Give me a break it’s all I’m going to get and clearly worth putting the world in danger for.

*****

Red Skull
Oh no there’s nowhere to run *cough* I mean you are doomed Captain America.

Captain America
You know if you hadn’t of broken away from Hitler you probably would have had enough troops to defend your base.

Red Skull
I don’t need them when I have this cool blue cube. Look at the colours they’re so pretty. Wait I’m being beamed up noooo!

Captain America
Weird but he must be dead. And I’m dead too. I can’t let these bombs reach America. I’ll crash into the artic.

Peggy Carter
No! Land the plane we’ll difuse them.

Captain America
I can’t I don’t have any flying skills.

Peggy Carter
What about that aerial battle 5 minutes ago.

Director Joe Johnson
Just go with it please we’re trying to get the Avenger characters together.

Cut to many years later.

Captain America
I’m in the future?

Nick Fury
It’s gets worse I’m here to pointlessly show your recruitment.

Captain America
Wouldn’t it be more fitting if Tony Stark did that? To give the end some kind of human connection instead of this weirdness. All I can think about is my lost dance. Do couples still go dancing in the 21st century?

Fin



 
Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

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