Monday 20 May 2013

Star Trek: Into Darkness: First Draft Parody Script




Opens on a very TOS like planet. The nostalgia begins.

Spock
Keep her steady I’m about to jump into this erupting volcano.

Uhura
How is that logical Spock? There must be an easier way to deliver the device?

Spock
Well yes, but think of the excitement Uhura.

Meanwhile Kirk and Dr McCoy are running along the planets surface.

Dr McCoy
We’re out of sight let’s beam up.

Captain Kirk
We can’t we hid the ship underwater.

Dr McCoy
What? But why?

Captain Kirk
We have to stay undetected from the natives.

Dr McCoy
I’m pretty sure they haven’t invented telescopes yet Jim. But I must admit the Enterprise does look cool underwater.

Spock
I’m trapped Jim, protocol says that you should leave me here to die.

Captain Kirk
Protocol also says that you should call me Captain, so I don’t need you to lecture me. We’re coming to get you.

Cut to Earth and whoa they’re in London, they’re finally showing a future city that isn’t San Fransisco.

John Harrison
I can save your daughters life, just do me one little favour.

Starfleet officer
You can save her life with just one vial of blood? Maybe you’re not Khan then. He was a genetically enhanced human, not Jesus.

#####

Admiral Pike
Hello Captain, Commander.

Captain Kirk
Yo.

Admiral Pike
I don’t think that you’ve been taking your rank and responsibilities seriously.

Captain Kirk
What ever.

Admiral Pike
You lied in your Captains log. It’s a serious crime, we need the audience to have absolute faith in the Captains Log so that we can deliver tons of exposition.

Captain Kirk
How did you know?

Admiral Pike
I read Commander Spock’s log.

Captain Kirk
Snitch!

Admiral Pike
Don’t be surprised it is completely in character for him to tell the truth. You have been relieved of command. You’re clearly too immature, I don’t know why we didn’t realise this sooner,

Captain Kirk
I can’t believe that you think that I’m not ready for Command… I’m going to get drunk.

Admiral Pike
Don’t get too drunk I’ll be calling you back as my first officer soon. No disrespect Spock.

Later in a highly exposed secret meeting room.

Admiral Marcus shows an image that goes into unnecessary 3d.
This is the man we’re hunting.

Everyone
Who is he?

Admiral Marcus
For all our time travel adventures it sure is a good thing that earth history isn’t studied at the academy. He’s nobody, honest, just some nut called John Harrison. He’s highly intelligent.
Captain Kirk
Inteligent enough to attack our vulnerable meeting room?

Admiral Marcus
DAAAAAHN!

Khan arrives in a powerful looking gunship which has surprisingly weak weapons.

Captain Kirk
Hmm, shots from this phaser rifle don’t work I might as well just chuck it into the engine.

Gunship engine
Bang!

Captain Kirk
Woah I can’t believe that worked.

#####

Captain Kirk
Harrison is on Kronos.

Spock
How did he get to Kronos?

Captain Kirk
It is best not to ask such questions. The important thing is that we have 72 missiles to kill him with.

Spock
Starfleet wants us to blow up all of Kronos?

Captain Kirk
Well no… I guess they just don’t trust our aim.

Spock
This is morally and legally wrong.

Hardcore Trekkies
In this dumbed down new Trek we doubt they care.

Captain Kirk
Ok change of plan we’ll capture him.

Hardcore Trekkies
Oh.

They fly down to Kronos and the Klingon patrols wait until they’re almost at the surface before trying to stop them.

Captain Kirk
I’ll use my brilliant, never before seen piloting skills to avoid them.

A minute later the Klingon patrol descends on and traps them.

Klingons
Your strategy suggested 2 dimensional thinking.

Captain Kirk
Thanks I will try to remember that.

Uhura
What is with the masks.

Klingon
It’s for a dramatic make up reveal that no one really cares about.

Uhura
So you guys have become the main villain again?

John Harrison
We can’t have that.

He kills the underused Klingons and then surrenders to Kirk.

Captain Kirk
Cuff him and put him into the brig.

John Harrison
You’re not just going to lock me into some comfortable crew quarters.

Captain Kirk
Why would I do something stupid like that? Who are you anyway?

Khan
My name is Khan.

Captain Kirk
KHAN!

Khan
No need to shout. Just Khan.

####

Captain Kirk
Dr McCoy I need you to anakyse a missile with Dr Marcus.

Dr McCoy
Will I have time for some funny flirting too?

Dr Marcus
Please don’t you might make Kirk jealous.

Later on the bridge

Sulu
There’s some kind of ship approaching.

Captain Kirk
Chekov is our warp drive back online?

Chekov
No Keptin I’m wearing a red shirt I can’t risk dangerous engineering work.

Captain Kirk
Just fix it.

Enter the USS Vengeance

Captain Kirk
Hello Admiral that’s a massive ship, how did that get built in secret?

Admiral Marcus
Just hand over Khan Noonian Singh.

Captain Kirk
You’re not here to tow us? Fine we’ll warp to earth ourselves.

Admiral Marcus
You could cause serious damage to your engine.

Captain Kirk
I’m sure it wont be anything a good kick can’t fix.

Sulu
Sir, the Vengeance is catching us up!

Captain Kirk
Is that possible at Warp?

Sulu
Sir it has always been possible.

The Enterprise gets attacked by the Vengeance with some great damage effects shots. But then the Vengeance loses power.

Scotty
Guess where I am?

Captain Kirk
Scotty? You’re on the Vengeance?

Scotty
Ai Captain. This top secret ship doesn’t have security measures.

#####

Khan
You want my help to take the Vengeance?

Captain Kirk
Yes you helped to design it. For a ship made by someone from the early 21st century it sure is powerful.

Khan
Ship envy?

Captain Kirk
A little.

Khan
Diving through space in a space suit, how excitng, I bet they’ll never see this coming.

Captain Kirk
Actually I’ve done this before, not so long ago.

Khan
Oh well it’s exciting for me.

Vengeance security officer
Who are you? What are you doing here? How many questions do I need to ask before your friends arrive?

Scotty
Keep asking, we like our  long action sequences. Star Trek has a budget again, it’s exciting.

Captain Kirk
Weeee! Thanks for keeping the door open. Mr Scott shall we use your overrides to cut off oxygen to the bridge?

Scotty
I just said we’ve got a bigger budget now.

Captain Kirk
Ok let’s storm the bridge.

Spock
Hello I am calling just to confirm my own suspicions about Khan.

Old Spock
I can’t always be your helpline, I’m not getting any younger you know.

Spock
Come on I’ve been holding for ages.

Old Spock
Oh ok Khan is the most dangerous adversary we ever faced, well besides the gods, but I  doubt JJ Abrahms will give you any of those.

Spock
Thank you, I will now proceed as I had planned to anyway.

#####

Khan (shooting)
Ha ha I love violence. Gak!

Captain Kirk
Good shot Scotty. Keep an eye him.

Scotty
Will do Captain and I’ll keep an eye on him by standing really really close. Ahh!

Khan
I’ll beam you back to your ship. Commander Spock drop the shields so that I can beam over the missiles.

Commander Spock
Ok.

72 missiles in the USS Vengeance hull
Boom!

Khan
Why didn’t I just beam over the cryo tubes?

Commander Spock
I laugh at your superior intellect.

The Enterprise loses power and starts falling to earth.

Captain Kirk
I keep telling Sulu not to park so close to earth doesn’t he know how to set a static orbit?

Scotty
Come on we have to get the engines back online, thankfully Khan beamed us near to them.

Captain Kirk
I’d sacrifice myself to fix it but I guess it’s a very technical procedure.

Scotty
Oh no it just need a swift kicking.

A minute later.

Sulu
Power is restored.

Spock
Where’s Kirk?

Sulu
He’s in engineering stealing one of the best scenes your character ever had.

Spock
Noooo!

Captain Kirk
You have been and always will be my friend.

Spock
Somehow I think this moment would be more significant if this was a lifetime friendship. I mean I only met you a year ago.

Spock shouts a line which a lot of the audience hate but deep down they longed to hear.

Spock
Beam me down I’m going to get Khan.

Scotty
Are you sure you don’t want to take some red shirts, they come in handy.

Spock
Would you like to help me Mr Scott?

Scotty
Err no.

Khan
Woah I’m sure glad my bones didn’t shatter when the ship crashed. Being genetically enhanced sure makes life easy.

Spock
Stop!

Khan
I am superior… I will run.

They have a long fight scene across several flying vehicles before Uhura has the sense to give Spock some backup.

Uhura
Keep him alive, his blood can save Kirk’s life.

Spock
But he’ll never give consent to such treatment.

Uhura
Let’s just skip the moral implications this time.

One year later

Captain Kirk
We are gathered to rechristen the USS Enterprise and remember all those who we lost,until I saved the day and learnt humility. Whilst being awesome.

Starfleet command
Just get out of here kid.

Captain Kirk
Ok. Space the final frontier… This is so cool that I finally get to say the lines.

Fin


Copyright © Nathan Groves http://wondersandparodies.blogspot.com/
This Work Is Not To Be Reproduced With Out Permission.

3 comments:

Rupinder Gill said...

Brilliant Star Trek Into Darkness parody, I really enjoyed reading this and looking forward to the next one :)

BettyBoop said...

That was great

keith1701 said...

Very funny :-)

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